wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
