Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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