eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
my liver is dry heaving
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
