This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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