you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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