Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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