dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So much rum. So many feels.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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