woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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