So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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