So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
