You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize