i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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