We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize