Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
