i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
