Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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