I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
