Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
