My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
