I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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