if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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