Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
