I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
