I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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