Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
