Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
