I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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