Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
