You smell like a Billy Joel song
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
