the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
