In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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