so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize