I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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