There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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