My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
