So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
