I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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