She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
