listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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