my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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