There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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