life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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