I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
