and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
