You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There's always time for handjobs
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
