This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
