So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
