and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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