Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The best revenge is premature balding
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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