Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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