I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
