mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
