So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize