We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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